Posts Tagged ‘golf joke’

Sneak Golf Magazines

Monday, July 19th, 2010

You don’t have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.

If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique

golf cartoonThe Ten Commandments do not say anything about golf.

If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don’t have to worry about them showing up on the Internet, then you become famous

Your golf partner won’t keep asking questions about other partners you’ve golfed with

It’s perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger

When you see a really good golfer, you don’t have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.

If your regular golf partner isn’t available, he/she won’t object if you golf with someone else.

Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.

When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

You don’t have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff.

You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite co-workers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.

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There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.

If you want to watch golf on television, you don’t have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.

Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.

Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.

You don’t have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.

Your golf partner will never say, “What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?”

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Old Lady Golfer

Monday, June 14th, 2010

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Old Lady GolferMary Tattersall was 88 years old when she first took up golf. Now, at the age of 90 she has amazed her fellow golfers by hitting a hole in one.

Mary made the 181yd [165m] shot on the second hole at Shay Grange Golf Centre in Heaton near Bradford, Yorkshire, England.

Will and Guy have learned that she felt amazed and stunned to have achieved the feat.

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Mary was given a special trophy by the club to mark her success on the par three hole.

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If Tiger Can Do It

Friday, June 11th, 2010

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Jesus and Moses are playing golf. On the 5th hole, a shot over water to an island green, Moses hits his 6-iron and it lands perfectly on the green. Jesus takes out his 7-iron and begins tee-ing it up.

Tiger Woods CartoonMoses says: “The 7 isn’t enough club. It’ll go in the water.”

Jesus replies: “If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it.”

He swings the 7-iron and sure enough, straight in the drink. He tees up a second ball and grabs his 7-iron again. Again Moses reminds him of his previous attempt and Jesus says, “If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it.” “Plop” in the water, it goes again. He continues this until he has hit all his golf balls into the water. At this point, he begins walking out on the water looking down to locate his lost golf balls. The foursome behind them approaches the tee, spots Jesus out on the lake and says to Moses, “Hey, who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?”

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Moses replies, “No, Tiger Woods.”

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A Retiree Golfer

Thursday, June 10th, 2010

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A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

A retiree golferThe pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

“Now what ?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.

“Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup.” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

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“Oh great ! so NOW you tell me.” said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

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His Bloody Ball

Thursday, June 10th, 2010

EdlerFred and Harry were playing their usual weekend match on the links at Royal Sydney and were annoyed by an unusually slow twosome in front of them. One of them was seen to be mooching around on the fairway while the other was searching distractedly in the rough.

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“Hey,” shouted Fred, “why don’t you help your friend find his bloody ball?”

“He’s got his bloody ball,” came the reply. “It’s his bloody club he’s looking for.”

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Can’t Understand

Thursday, June 10th, 2010

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Two long time golf enthusiasts were discussing their scores over a beer in the clubhouse.

kids golf“I can’t understand it”, one said disgustingly. “I’ve been playing this darn game for fifteen years now and I get worse and worse every year. Do you know last year I played worse than the year before, and the year before that, the same thing”

“That’s depressing” commiserated the other, “How are you doing this year?”

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“Put it this way”, said the first unhappily, “I’m already playing next years game!”

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Golf Ball

Thursday, June 10th, 2010

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cold game

Ralph goes for a quick round of golf, and at the first tee, Bill is about to tee off in front of him. Bill takes a brand new ball out of his bag, unwraps it and places it on the tee and slices into the trees.

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“Damn!” He reaches into his bag and takes out another brand new ball, unwraps it, and tees it up. Thwack! He then hooks it miles into the bushes.

“Damn!” He stomps back to his bag for another ball, when Ralph approaches him. “Err, excuse me, but I notice you’re losing a lot of brand new balls. Why don’t you use an old one?” Bill looks at Ralph.

“Cos I’ve never bloody had one!”

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Play Golf at Night

Wednesday, June 9th, 2010

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It seems that four very low-handicapped players were playing their normal course. Unusually, the play was very slow and the players began to get frustrated. By the tenth hole, they began firing their tee shots at the foursome ahead of them, who were constantly in the woods and were the root cause of the slow play.

panda golfFinally, the good foursome finished their round, coming in just under eight hours. After spotting the slow group in the clubhouse, they went right after them, swearing their asses off. The club pro saw this spectacle and pulled aside the guys. He said: “Didn’t you know that the foursome ahead of you are all blind; they’re taking part in a special event.”

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After hearing this, the foursome immediately reconsidered. The first one said, “Just to show how sorry I am, I’ll pay for their green fees.” The second replied, “And I’ll pay for their carts.” Predictably, the third member said, “Whatever food and drinks they want, I’ll pay for them.” The club pro considered their acts very gracious and, turning to the fourth member, said: “And what are you going to do for them?”

The golfer, still noticeably upset, retorted, “To hell with them, they could have played last night!”

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Don’t hit the ball!!!

Wednesday, June 9th, 2010

golfdogA husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, “I’m Mother Nature, and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.” The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

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Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband “Hey, where’s your ball?”
“It’s over here in the pussy willows.”

The wife screams back, “Don’t hit the ball!!! Don’t hit the ball!!!”

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Kick it Up

Wednesday, June 9th, 2010

  
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golf dogBill and Ralph meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. Bill has a little dog with him and on the next green, when Bill holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs.

Ralph is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog’s and says, “That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt?” Bill replies, “Somersaults.”

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Ralph exclaims, “Somersaults! How many of them does it do?” Bill calmly replies, “Mmm, depends on how hard I kick it up the ass!”

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A Slice of Golf History

Wednesday, June 9th, 2010

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b wHere’s a slice of golf history you might enjoy.

Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, 10 or an even dozen?

During a discussion among the membership board at St. Andrews Golf Club in 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 holes to polish off a fifth of Scotch.

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By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out….

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the Gllon

Tuesday, June 8th, 2010

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111A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a Year.

That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

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Kind of makes you proud. Almost feel like a hybrid.

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A Plastic Bag

Tuesday, June 8th, 2010

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Wilbah was working at the sawmill and he cut his hand off.

They put his hand in a plastic bag and they sewed it back on and he was back to work before the morning break.

SmileGolfBallAfter the break Wilbah fell in front of the saw and his leg was cut off.

They put his leg in a plastic bag and they sewed it back on and he was back to work before lunch.

After lunch Wilbah was a little wobbly and he fell head first into the saw and his head was cut off.

They put his head in a plastic bag and sent him off to the hospital.

Come afternoon break Wilbah wasn’t back to work.

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His coworkers were starting to worry….he only cut his head off. He should be back by now.

By afternoon break they learned Wilbah…….passed away.

Wilbah suffocated.

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Hide It

Tuesday, June 8th, 2010

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Joe is telling his pal Rick his troubles:”You know that new girl at work, the one I’ve been wanting to ask out?” he asks.

golf smile“Yeah, what about her?” Rick replies.

“Well, every time I see her, I get an instant erection, and have to turn away to hide it.”

“That’s rough. Why don’t you try taping your dick to your leg … then it won’t show?” Rick suggests.

Joe agrees this is a great idea; Rick even loans him a roll of duct tape.

A few days later, they meet again:

“Well, I called her and asked her out, and she said yes,” Joe reports.

“That’s great!”

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“So I get to her house, walk up to her door, and she answers it wearing a short, sheer dress.”

“Great! How’d it go?”

Joe slumps down in his chair. “I kicked her in the face.”

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Two Men Golfer

Tuesday, June 8th, 2010

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golf clubsTwo men were golfing, and the fairway of the hole they were playing was adjacent to a road. The first man was setting up for his swing, when a funeral procession went by on the road. He stopped, faced the procession for a moment, then bowed his head in prayer as the hearse passed by. Only when the procession had passed out of view did he resume playing, driving his ball to the green.

As they were walking toward the green, the second man said, “That was a touching show of respect for the the deceased back there. I had no idea you were so sentimental.”

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The first man shrugged and said, “It’s the least I could do. I was married to her for thirty years.”

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